Well there is no sun here to worry about, right? I am currently in Michigan where it is 20 degrees and snowing. I haven't seen the sun in days. But who am I kidding, I love it! Nothing makes you feel like Christmas is coming like SNOW! As long as I do not have to drive in it, I love it. My vacation is going great! One thing you will learn about me is that I love to travel. My sister graduates college this weekend. I had my Christmas shopping done weeks ago and I am really enjoying time with my family.

Well I had been pretty nervous about an appointment I had at the dermatologist to look at a few moles that I have. I was pretty sure that we would be removing some. Considering I haven't had any moles removed since I was 16 years old, all I could remember is that it’s painful. Who am I kidding? After all the surgeries I have had, Lord knows I can handle pain. But handling it and liking it are two different things. So my fears took over. Well, my dermatologist said that everything looks great and none of my moles look concerning. So that made me feel a lot better. The last time I actually saw a mole on my body that was melanoma was about 8 years ago, so I think I just freak myself out. As I am starting to do now for my next appointment.

In two weeks I have my 2 1/2 year tests and check up with my oncologist. FREAKY! In my heart I know everything will be fine but in my mind I am going nuts. The bad dreams, morbid thoughts, and chest pains have started. The brain is such a powerful thing. Last week, I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep and my thoughts were suddenly consumed with sadness. I kept thinking about the worst. I kept thinking about what would be important and how one would spend their time if they knew they were dying. The funny part is that I kept thinking about my great grandma who is the only one of my grandparents left alive. She is 94 years old and man she must have seen and experienced so much. Well anyway, these thoughts consumed me and I got so sick to my stomach that I almost threw up. I had to get out of bed and hover over the toilet. It is crazy how all those negative thoughts can make you physically sick, violently sick. I had to call on Jesus. Just saying his name a few times made me calm. I went right in and fell asleep like a baby. Weird!

I know that I am healthy and fine. And I can not wait to report the good news. I am not sure if many people can understand the doubt and fear that takes over just weeks before a check up appointment, like a cancer patient. I guess after years and years of dealing with cancer and hearing the bad news more than once, it’s hard to let that go. I don't live in fear or let fear take over but I have to admit that on occasion, normally close to an appointment time, those thoughts do slip into your mind.

I am not crazy, right? Other experiences this from time to time? I guess that is why I started this blog. I wanted to share these experiences and thoughts perhaps offering understanding or community for those also surviving and/or fighting cancer. I know one thing that consumes my thoughts, homework! And I have tons of it. So for now, you will find me in the books.

These are the special times!!! Enjoy the holidays!!!!

-kelli